Z.

( ooc )

Between Margie talking about The Group vs. other groups, and mom hounding me about hustling to get recruited, I've had my next move on my mind for awhile now.

It's like, I've been in this box. Alex, the group member. Alex, the athlete. Alex, Andi's savior/shadow/whipping boy. I already shed the last one. I already shocked them all by being the one to land Sabrina. So what if I wasn't Alex the athlete anymore?

What if I don't want to play college ball? It sounds like sour grapes, since I don't exactly have, well, anyone worthwhile beating down my door, but if I really wanted that, wouldn't I care more?

For that partner project thing, I told Tree I didn't want to play pro ball. That's obvious. I never harbored any delusions of going to the NBA. But what if I just stop after high school? What if I did something else entirely?

It's like I was looking out the peephole, and now I opened the door.

That sounds fucking retarded.

I'm so proud of my sister. This year, the fourth Father's Day since dad left, she didn't send him a card or anything. Instead, we got mom a card and I took Sara to the movies to see Year One because she's really into a Michael Cera guy. I'd rather that than one of those reality show retards or Disney Channel freaks.

For the first time, I think she's accepting that our father is a jackass and we're better off without him.

She turns 13 tomorrow, though.

I don't know if I'm ready for a teenage girl. I think I'll look into some window alarms and a lock for her door.

My girlfriend is, hands down, the hottest girl I've ever met. She's gorgeous and loyal and sexy and ... devious. What she orchestrated for Rinne was nothing short of masterful.

And this coming from someone who considered Rinne a pretty good friend.

She thought she could take my girlfriend's place? Rinne, you're nothing but the poor man's Sheila. No, wait. You're the poor man's Andi. Who is the poor man's Sheila. I think. I don't understand how girls work. If you wanted to pull stunts like that, maybe you should have stopped shunning Dorianne so much. Because that was a page out of her playbook.

How I Presumably Spent My Spring Break:

--Swimming
--Listening to some pretty cool classical shit
--Appreciating fine architecture
--Sampling different cuisines
--Snorkeling
--Tanning
--Watching endless hours of that goddamned informational channel


What I Remember About My Spring Break:
--Having sex with Sabrina Bouvier

Suck on that, Marty.

Andi is dealing with this the way Andi does: She found herself a new boyfriend. In Pete Black. You know, I'm good not being with her now. I am. But I'm so fucking tired of being minimized and brushed aside, as though I've never been there with her when shit goes down or she heads down a bad path. Say what you want about me, and yeah, I've been downright pathetic, but don't take away that I've been there, that I know her.

So I told him all of that. And you know what? I don't think it made a damn bit of difference.

I'm spending spring break in Miami with Sabrina. She's gotta play some days/nights, but we'll have some free time, which, well, free time in Miami with a bikini-clad Sabrina Bouvier?

Sign. Me. Up.

Friday night I was supposed to go into the city, party at Tommy's, crash, take the train back in the morning. But somehow, I wound up with a ticket to Brina's show. I wore a fucking suit and I went and I even stayed for the rich bitch social hour. I wound up at Tommy's, then took Brina for breakfast.

She's just so different from anyone I've ever been into. She doesn't need me, she wanted to be with me. To kiss me. To let me cop a feel. And yet, just when it all becomes a little off-putting, she shows a little vulnerability, like she did on that stage.

There has to be a reason I haven't been able to forget that one thing she said right before Thanksgiving. I was stoned as shit, but I still remember. It made me wonder if maybe there's more for me than just being Andi's dude-in-waiting. She's made her choice over and over again and it's never me, so why was I still waiting around? Brina's a girl who knows what she wants, fuck everyone else, and I respect that.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever not be hung up on Andi. But right now, she needs space to be whoever she is by herself. And I need to move on, so why not start with the girl who made me feel like I could be more than what I was?

Plus her body and her willingness to go down doesn't hurt.

Bruce Jamison beat the shit out of my Princess. The base part of me wants to do the same to him. I could so easily have his face a pulpy mess before he knew what hit him.

But, everyone else is right. What we did today was so much worse than anything physical. We reduced him to nothing. If we all died, Jason Fox and Ethel Tines would be prom king and queen before Bruce Jamison. The Group may be infested with drama and backbiting and nastiness but together, we can do some pretty amazing things. Some pretty shitty things. But also some pretty amazing ones. Sometimes I forget how great it is to have that. Because if I had been on my own, I'd be in prison right now. Reform school, at the very least. Instead, I made up with Andi for real, I played a kick-ass season of basketball, I'm trying out for baseball this week, and somewhere, Bruce Jamison is probably crying into his Appletini or whatever shitty gay drinks assholes like him drink.

And Andi will heal and I will help her however I can. As her friend. I will not save her. I'm done with castle duty. But I will help her.

Andi and I aren't speaking. Like after the Robert thing. Big fight after I hooked up with Laura Linda Liz Laine at Hep's bday party. Big fight where I accidentally told her everything. I miss her, especially now. Damn holidays. Hopefully we can-- well, hopefully I can get over this and we can be normal again.

I guess she's with Bruce Jamison now.

Brina kissed me in the hayloft. She's transferring to SDS, which is just weird. And she kissed me. I'm not an idiot, I know it means nothing to her, but it was pretty awesome.

Dad He didn't send anything this year. No card, nothing. I'm fine, whatever, fuck him, don't need his money. But Sara ... she's still checking the mailbox. Thought about sending her something, but if she ever found out, it'd be more fucked up.

Andi baked cupcakes for the entire junior class. 75% of them hate her and attacked her out in the open on the boards and she baked them cupcakes. It's so classic Andi.

She's breaking down and there's nothing I can or should do. I have basketball and she has ... Pete.

Yeah, maybe I SHOULD call Brina.

Andi kissed Pete and Pete's girlfriend came to SHS to claw Andi's eyes out. And my first instinct is to run and find that bitch and rip her toenails out for daring to harm a hair on my Andi's head. But then I remember ... she's not my Andi. She never was. She really has never been. She chose Pete. She chose Pete and she called me to cry about it.

Brina's a lot of things but first and foremost she's perceptive. She's absolutely right. So this time, I'm not going to race up the tower to rescue my Princess the princess. I'm done. Maybe I'll give Brina a call, in fact. Take her up on that hydroponic shit she's been talking up. Maybe. Or Jacqui. She is supposed to rally me, after all ...

Oh, yeah, and I made varsity. Woo.

Heh. Jacqui is my Rally Girl. Good thing I get my best game on when I'm a little high. Andi is a genius.

Still not sure where Andi and I stand, though. She brought me this cake for my birthday. My favorite kind. Seems like a pretty clear signal. But if anything were going to happen it would have happened by now, right? Homecoming was supposed to be my moment until that jackass Pete Black showed up. Don't trust that dude.

Amped for basketball to start again. It's our third season start without Robert and I still feel a little weird, like something's off. Still not used him being gone. Asshole.

My results came back: I'm clean! Never ever ever again. Dori can rot in hell.

I got a note in my locker from Dori yesterday. Her STD panel came up with something and she said we should all get tested. I haven't been with her in a LONG time but fuck fuck fuck how long can those things lay dormant!?

Everything's been going right and now I might have some fucking disease!? Why did I keep going back to her? Fucking slut.

It's so unfair.

Andi and I are back to being Andi and I. It feels more real this time, like we could maybe make something of it. We're not 13 anymore. We fit together. We have our own way of communicating. We complement each other.

So what the hell was up with her dance performance and Pete Black?

Sara actually wanted to visit dad this summer, so I booked a couple weeks off in the middle of the month, and I called dad. He wasn't home, so I left a message saying that we were free these two weeks, and could we come visit. That was two weeks ago.

Today we got a letter in the mail from dad, claiming that he was in California all summer on business, so we couldn't visit. But there were two of his usual big spender checks, for us to have a "good summer without him."

The postmark on the envelope was from Virginia.

Forget having a "good summer without him", I'm going to have a good fucking life without him.

I wish that when Bruno asked me to try out for baseball, I did. And not because they're kicking ass and taking names, but just because I would have liked to play. He bought the crap about basketball being my number one sport, but really, I'd like to play whatever I can.

I hate dad for walking out on us, for leaving me with all this responsibility. Mom says not to worry about it, to do whatever I want to do - but without me, Sara can't take gymnastics. Without me, dinner would be peanut butter sandwiches.

I don't mean to sound like a whiny bitch about it, but just once I'd like to not have to plan a couple weeks in advance when I'm taking a girl out. I'd like to have a girlfriend, and play sports, and just be a normal 16 year old.

Thanks for taking it all away from me, dad.

My car door is fixed. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been going in and out the passenger side, just because I can easily. (Of course, that's when nobody's around.) I haven't told the guys that it's fixed though, I can't wait to see Wayne act like a douchebag and make a big fuss about it. Like having to borrow the parents' car is so much cooler.

Dad asked why I've been working so much lately, so when I told him I was getting the car fixed, what did I get in the mail a few days later? A fat old check. Doesn't he realise that I'm taking care of this shit myself, and that his money just makes him look pathetic? I contemplated sending it back, but I'm only human. I cashed it and split it with Sara, and now I will have fun with it.

Dad found out that our spring break was last week, and was upset that we didn't go visit. Mentioned all the gifts he's sent, I don't think he gets the hint that we don't want or need any of that. Seriously, why would I need an iPhone? My old Chocolate works perfectly. Besides, all he talked about was how busy he was at work. So why would we go there to hang out in his huge house and do what we could do at home, with friends. He also mentioned that he'd have paid for my trip to Hawaii. I don't get why he doesn't just buy new children.